


Watersports in Football

by WildAndFreeHearts



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Essays, Meta, Other, Watersports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 13:57:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1268935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildAndFreeHearts/pseuds/WildAndFreeHearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Meta about all of the pee in Football.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watersports in Football

If being a watersports fiend has taught me anything, it’s that football is pretty much a piss-parade. Really. If you like pee like I do, look no further than the pitch. I think it must be some strange sportsman phenomenon or something that makes them have to urinate so dang much, like an ingrained male posturing and marking territory thing. But whatever it is, **I love it.** I used to not even like sports, but once I started looking into football and found out all about this niche within it, I’ve been a huge fan.

First, let’s go back in time a bit and peruse an article for Sports Illustrated in January 26, 1998, in which Thomas Nalen said "He [Mark] pees his pants. He used to get away with it when he played for the Redskins because they wore those dark red pants. Trust me—sometime during Super Bowl XXXII, Mark Schlereth will pee his pants." When asked ‘Mr. Schlereth, how do you plead?’ he answered "Guilty. It's absolutely true. I figure, it's not much different than sweating." So all his teammates - **on both teams** \- knew he did this. And they were like ‘Whateves, bro. Just Pee.’ I mean, can you imagine?! ‘Oh look, Mark’s having a piss.’ ‘Yup.’ Jeez, it makes you wonder how many of the others were doing it and just not saying anything… In a different interview Mark Schlereth's claimed he earned him nickname ‘Stinky’ for a reason: “I regularly peed my pants. Pretty much every game I did. I was already drenched in sweat so it was no real difference to me. Hey — I was miserable anyhow out on the field, I wasn't going to hold it in and become even more miserable." **UNF.** He’s so shamelessly sexy and his blatant ‘What you gonna do about it?’ stance is highly provocative.

And next, let’s not forget the somewhat recent and always wonderful 2013 video interview with Channing Crowder, where he said “I never went to the bathroom in the toilet. Every game I peed myself. Six years straight I peed down my leg. I would just be in the huddle and just... pee.” The ridiculous music and happy prancing really sold it for me. I was ready to marry that man, no Lie. The interviewer seemed a bit taken aback but Crowder’s was all like ‘Heck yeah, I pee myself.’ If you haven’t seen it I strongly suggest looking it up - it’s absolutely **epic**.

Also, Tony Siragusa is now the leader of the Guard Your Manhood campaign for Depend’s male urine shields and guards. Just knowing that he probably regularly loses bladder control somehow fills my stomach with butterflies. **I can't even.**

Kevin Donnelly, formerly of the Titans, was pretty chill about all the watersports going on. "He used to piss right there on the sidelines," a former teammate claimed. "He'd sit on the bench and stuff a towel down his pants. Piss in the towel. Then throw it away. Back in Houston, at the Astrodome, it was a quarter-mile walk to get back to the bathroom. So you can't keep going back and forth. It actually works. You cram it down your pants and just go.” Sloppy, wet, piss rags. In the Astrodome. **F’in A.**

And longtime quarterback Jeff Garcia has never been cuter than when he coolly and candidly stated: "Before the game, I have to continuously pee. The fluids go through you at such a fast rate. My first year in the league, I tried the towel thing. It was in a preseason game. Second half. I figured, ‘Well, I'll try it with a towel. Just pee into the towel.' I had to go pretty bad. As soon as I felt the warm pee touch my leg, I shut it down. I said, ‘I can't do this.' It's just nasty. I couldn't follow through with it. Players try all sorts of tricks to relieve themselves out there. My teammate in Tampa would just pee his pants and say it's not going to make a difference because of all the sweat." And here’s some more lovely pee towels. I wonder how many POUNDS of pee rags have had to have been cleaned or thrown away after most games…? Former fullback Jon Ritchie agreed with Garcia's teammate. "You're drenched in sweat anyway," he said. "What does it matter? By the time warm-ups are over, you're overhydrating and you're drenched. What's the big deal?" **YARG. TACKLE. SQUISH. MMMM.** …That’s all I have to say.

Koy Detmer once said he used to piss in a bottle in the ice shanty right on the field. “Everybody gets it. Nervous bladder. It's just like anything else. As soon as you start to do something you have to go to the bathroom." Apprently bottles are pretty common, because there was also the time that Rod Hood told an interviewer "I’m constantly going back and forth between my locker and the bathroom. I know a lot of guys that pee themselves on the field and on the sidelines. That was never me, though. I would be in that tent pissing in empty bottles all game long, though." All I have to say is ‘Don’t drink the yellow Gator-aide. Well… unless you **want to**.’

I could seriously keep going on and on, but I think you guys get the picture: the football industry is literally busting with pee. There’s urine dripping out of the seams of jockstraps all over the place. **And it’s freaking hot.**


End file.
